Can you give more? Or do you feel depleted? Are you not ok with anything new showing up asking you to love it, care for it, nurture it and heal it? Or do you allow whatever is in the present moment to be, and you take care of it?
We went on a trip for the first time since having our baby. Instead of worrying about how he would sleep and how “bad” it would be in a room full of 7 people every night in the mountains, I just packed all of our things and was excited for fresh air and no cell service.
I had zero attachment and zero expectations for his behavior. And guess what? He.WAS.amazing. Napped 3x a day and only woke up once each night. A dream.
And now we are home and he’s sick. So he’s waking up, gasp, 2x a night, and he’s not happy in the day, so it’s taking more work for him to nap and eat. And I found myself resisting this. Upset that he’s sick, impatient with his nap fighting and bottle refusals.
I easily and quickly got caught up in old egoic thought patterns around my babies. “They shouldn’t be sick” “they should be sleeping” “I can’t do this I’m too tired.” I was cranky, irritated, snappy.
This used to be how I parented and lived 24/7. I spent 90% of of my life fighting. arguing. manipulating. planning or being afraid of what was, and what was going to be, happening.
And then I lost my marbles and started to read about things called #nonresistance, #acceptance #nonaction #nonjudgement #wuwei #allowingeachmoment. It all sounded like sorcery, but it also sounded amazing.
So I started watching myself and my thoughts. And I tried to not judge all the sludge I saw spewing out of my mind and mouth. Because the only thing worse than being a miserable hot mess cow is spending the rest of the week WISHING you were not acting like miserable hot mess cow.
The only thing that makes unhappiness worse is wanting to NOT feel unhappiness. So I started nonjudgement, and non-action and everything changed. I started applying #thework of Byron Katie to my sludgy thoughts that I was addicted to. And everything changed. “The moment you accept what troubles you’ve been given the door will open.” #rumi .
Why am I not ok when things change and my baby needs more attention, more patience, more flexibility on my part? Because I don’t feel like I have more to give, to him or myself. I am in lack and scarcity (egoic identity). There are limits on what I can do and what I can allow. And then I check myself and see that I was trapped in a thought spiral. And I don’t judge myself for it. I just allow it. Of course I’d think that, how would I know any better? How many times did I feel like no one was flexible and adaptive to my needs and to a changing life? Of course my brain is doing these mental gymnastics!
So I take a deep breathe. And try again. And again. And again. And I do the practices that remind me I am a creative energetic being of love connected to all that is. My body is made of the same things as the stars in the sky. I have an unlimited capacity to love given to me freely by a savior. I can give love and attention and patience EVEN WHEN I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NONE LEFT. LUKE 6:38
When we release resistance to the obstacles in our life, we open up for the growth. What did this show me? That I had fallen into the trap of feeling like "I had nothing more to give". I had patiently and consciously (ok not the last few weeks) carried the baby, I have patiently and consciously approached every moment of his life with receptive care and giving. I have felt like I've given MORE THAN I EVER THOUGHT I HAD to my family and myself and my clients and God. And yet....here I am being asked for more.
Instead of saying WHY? am I being asked for more or HOW? can I give more???? I just.give.more. Even from an empty (the mind always tells us there is not enough) mental, emotional and physical stance.
Can you give more? Or do you feel depleted? Are you not ok with anything new showing up asking you to love it, care for it, nurture it and heal it?
Ps- I had a 3 hour nap yesterday and it was amazing! Tender mercies always follow surrender, and are in it, and during it. But we usually don't see them until after.