anxiety and my stupid dog

the other night we had another thunderstorm. around these parts we call August thru September "monsoon season". which basically means it rains once a week, and a few drops of rain here equals a monsoon in the jungle. no really, it does.


but let's talk about my stupid dog. I love him. we all love him. he really is amazing! but he is stupid when it comes to thunderstorms. he can sense a storm hours and hours before it arrives. how do we know this? because he starts to hide. and follow us around like a lost puppy (ha). and has crazy eyes darting here, there and everywhere when we do something crazy like, sit up. or walk to the bathroom. "mom! you ok? you going to survive in there? you sure? it so scary right now! quick, come hide with me!" he pleads with his one googly eye ball piercing my heart.


I actually feel badly for him at most times because I can't communicate in doggy language that "dude, you are safe in here, nothing is going to happen to you, or us, or the house". I did google and find dog anxiety weighted vests that help with thunderstorms and possibly help with the opening of dove season. both things drive him under the dining table for days at a time.


but here's the thing, I can see from my perspective that he is freaking out about NOTHING.


does it feel like nothing to him?


NOPE.


can I convince him otherwise?


NOPE.


so he may be scared of kittens and thunder, but he still is the best guard dog in the world. we luvs hims.

it made me think of what God thinks of my anxiety and crazy panic that goes on with my "life" situations. some are big, some are small. for example, a small thing I used to freak out (ok sometimes I still do) about was getting to places on time. I would turn into our dog and just start running around with crazy eyes, shaking and yelling, hurry! "the world is going to end if we don't get there on TIME!!!!" oh goodness, I probably give God a good belly laugh at least a few times a day where he just sits and watches and waits for me to finally calm down.


some of the big things that feel HUGE to me, are probably just as important to him as a thunderstorm to me. a drop in the bucket. NBD (no big deal for anyone older than a millenial). one big thing for me right now? my business is failing. yes, my dance studio that I started with my blood, sweat tears and lots of moolah is on the verge of extinction. long story short, our prices were too low last year so we barelllly made it to this year. we upped our prices to survive at the exact same time my ex-partner started up her classes again, for almost half our price. guess what happens then? everyone leaves our studio for cheaper classes DUH. it's a no brainer.


you really can't compete running a legal business with people five miles away offering it for free or cheaper in their back garage with zero overhead in a city. and if you think it won't work in a city, try doing it in a small town and you will be like me, running around with a numb face trying to hide under my dining table.


oh yeah, my face started to go numb when I opened the studio. it's been a year, it was getting better, now it's worse. yay me! I'm not an awesome business owner and also most definitely need an anxiety vest! maybe they have discounts if you buy one for you and one for your dog at the same time? or maybe it can fit both of us? maybe even the same time?


dancing with a numb face

the point of all this is, as HUGE as this feels right now, because of my daily meditation practice and my faith I know that this is just a small thunderstorm. does it really matter in the long run? NOPE. am I going to survive? ABSOLUTELY. am I sad, mad, scared and want to throat punch people? YESSSSSSSSS.and that's ok.


I let myself feel my feelings now. I sit with the sadness. I sit with the dissapointment. I feel it. I write it down. I hit walls with a hammer. I imagine throat punching people. and then....I let it go. I bless them with love and light and happiness. I bless myself with love and light and happiness.


because in the grand scheme, all that matters is HOW I FEEL. so I feel the scary stuff, and let it go. I feel the overwhelming sadness, and I let it go. I let go of all the feelings I don't want hanging around, so I can let the good stuff in. the really juicy feelings like love, peace, joy, fulfillment, happiness!


my new motto that helps me let go of stuff is this: "AND THEN WHAT?"


so the studio closes. ok, and then what? people are mad at me, disappointed. the kids are sad (oh the kids! that's what kills me so much). AND THEN WHAT? life moves on! it will be ok! I can get through this gosh darn it. if auggie can survive dove season every year like a shaking leaf on a tree, I can survive this little thunderstorm in my life. it will be ok.


will you will be ok? you will! you think your problems are too much? just breathe and wait. sit with your feelings. hit your mattress with a tennis racket. go down the "and then what?" list and see how in the end, it will all be awesome.


it will get better. you will survive. I PROMISE.

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