something I haven't disclosed on the blog or anywhere (except to a few close friends) is that I went off of my anti-depressants last spring. if you don't know me closely, I will tell you here on the world wide web that this is huge. like, say that with your arms wide open looking from hand to hand and screaming "huuuuuuuge!!!!".
*DISCLAIMER, the reason I do not tell people this is because I don't want someone jumping off of their meds and then spiraling hard core. but then I took a deep breathe and realized, I'm just sharing my experience and people are responsible for their own choices (you can thank my therapist for that last sentence). I believe that meds have a time and a place and I know for a fact that they literally saved my life for where I was at the time. I am grateful for the role they played in my progress and how they can help others. the reasons why I went off are detailed and again, for another post.
so, back to no meds. how has it been going? obviously a much longer and detailed post is needed, but for the short and sweet it has been beautiful off of them. granted, I absolutely must do a few things everyday 1. my morning routine. pray, meditate, study scriptures. 2. get outside at least 20 minutes 3. cut all negative thoughts/talk/people in the patootie (I don't watch a lot of news, I don't listen to people play the victim around me, I don't stay around people who are sad sacs of misery, I don't watch shows that are full of sadness/violence/depressive topics. *side note (I will ALWAYS help people when and how I can, but I will NEVER help you to feel sorry for yourself. Just cuz I know you are super human and awesome and kick any problem in the butt. like heman. or shera. seriously, magical sword, tiger, flying pegasus and all)
basically I don't listen to music, watch anything, or stay around anyone that doesn't make me feel like the super awesome person that I am, that you are, that we all are.
If I stay consistent with those things I can handle every day, I can even be HAPPY all on my own. Add exercise in and I'm almost chipper believe it or not.
of course life is still life, but it is a rich and full one I am happily co-creating my life with God now instead of resisting, hating, complaining and arguing with Him and my life.
with back to school looming I started to feel a little stress about getting everything ready for the kids. I hold my breath a little with big "milestones" and other things because they (holidays, birthdays, first and lasts and any other transition) used to be huge (huuuuuge) triggers for me. one thing would fall apart and then my life would subsequently fall apart for months.
a few of the small humans in this house are more demanding on my emotions that others, especially during aforementioned triggers for myself (most definitely because of my own stress). bless their hearts.bless my heart.
but we got through it. and there it was, the morning of back to school.
and....it went wonderful.
we had breakfast, we packed lunches, we talked. they all happily went to school. we talked after school. we had dinner. people smiled. i was happy. no meltdowns. no screaming attacks. not just from the kids, but most importantly not any from me of (two main reasons I went on meds in the first place)
this is HUGE. go ahead, open your arms as wide as you can, look from hand to hand and say it with me, "huuuuuuugggeeee!".
I can't say enough how grateful I am for all of the work I have put into learning to love life as it is, because as needlepoint worthy as this saying is, LIFE IS (so freaking BEAUTIFUL! ) Contrary to popular belief.
the peace and joy I experience on a daily basis is something I really want to share with everyone. so I guess I'm trying to do a little of it on here.
I was told 4 years ago by two psychiatrists that I would be on meds my entire life. I was told by my therapist who is anti-meds that I fit all the boxes where it was NECESSARY for me to thrive and be happy in life.
I thought I had to have meds to live a full life. I thought I'd always be a little more sad than everyone else. And here I am, having found the answer to true happiness: Self Love.
I AM happy. I AM loved. I AM enjoying life as it progresses. I AM loving watching my kids grow up. I AM GRATEFUL for all the hard times that have brought me here.
I hope you are too. If you aren't, know that it is possible, I promise. It might not be tomorrow, but it is POSSIBLE. Never give up on hope..or yourself, or your dreams of a tiger as a pet and a magical sword.