Yesterday Ty took me out for a date night. It wasn't romantic or idyllic, in fact we almost argued all the way in to town and all the way home. I'd blame pregnancy hormones, or that it is the first week of school for the kids so everyone is exhausted and on edge ( I always give the kids and the household 2-3 weeks to settle into the new routine).
But really, it was just because we had a lot of conversations that needed to be had that hadn't been had.
After the miscarriage and closing the studio last fall, both of us fell into a normal grief period. I honored my own grieving process and allowed what was happening to happen. The anger, denial, bartering, sadness, and acceptance that loop around and around during grieving like a perpetual motion machine. One after the other in whatever order they want to show up for that day/week/month.
But for him, well grieving as a man is just not talked about at all or taught or anything. He handled it well. He was quiet and reserved and problem solving in his head.
For a year we've given each other space. Sometimes picking arguments out of exasperation only to give up to have peace. We each picked our own projects and focused on them. We focused on the kids. We had more silence in-between. We kind of floated here and there. Things have been ignored and looked over while some things have been hyper focused on. Whatever got us through each day and month.
It feels like we both have been climbing and invisible mountain side by side through the miscarriage. Jumping over rocks and treading through rivers of sadness together...in silence. Maybe we have summited and this is the other side? Or maybe we have only reached a valley peak and still have many hundreds more miles to go. Either way, I'm glad he is by my side and I his. We are imperfect, but we still show up for each other. And I think that's all we can really ask of each other right now.
I guess the point of me sharing this is that statistically it says that after a loss the grieving period takes around 5 years to heal. And here we are almost one year later. We are finally talking bout important topics. We are collaborating again. We are feeling safe enough to exhale and trust again. None of these things are easy. WE all need to just give ourselves a giant break if we are suffering and grieving through one thing or another. The loss of a child, a spouse, a job, a dream, a way of life, your ego. They are all losses. Each in their own right.
As a society we don't talk about grief enough. We really just don't. So wherever you on on the mountain of grief, keep moving forward. Keep trusting that whatever obstacle there is for your progress. It will make you stronger. It will make you better. Plus, there's no way off the mountain but over it, so try not to get stuck in a river or valley of apathy or numbness. But if you do, just reach out for help. There are a lot of us cheering you on...silently...from our own mountain.