things have been going well here lately, and I am amiss at not chronicling more of the small miracles that I've received every day that have helped me keep putting one foot in front of the other.
as soon as I feel like I'm slightly doing better, someone will ask how I am and instead of replying "good" I can feel my lip quiver and my eyes sting and feel in my bones that, no, I'm still not "ok" or "good". I hurt. I'm sad. I'm still feeling all the feels.
last week we had a fun little elementary school track meet for our daughter. this was the first time I wasn't a "helper", I was just a "watcher". it was AWESOME. stress free. drama free. just watch and enjoy these kids pumping their tiny little legs as hard as they can. it was an enjoyable day. but I somehow bumped into someone, again that congratulated me on being pregnant and how I was feeling. ugh. I hate to tell people I lost the baby because they get very sad and cry and then I cry. again. ugh.
and the universe keeps bringing up me needing to feel loss. again and again and again. I answered the phone to a telemarketer for a dance studio application, and he asked, "even though you closed your business will you be opening another one in the industry again and needing our help?" and I dug deep inside my heart and said, "No, I will not be. Thank you."
and I just snapped. I'm praying, and reading my scriptures, and mediating and doing my therapy goals but for my birthday? I did not want to feel loss. I did not want to feel pity. I did not want to have to avoid people who are angry at me. I needed OUT.
we have a HUGE pomegranate festival every year the first weekend of November and it's also my birthday weekend so I always go and see the entire town and it's fun and watch my kids perform and buy myself something chintzy and fun for my day but I was done. I needed to get out of dodge. so I went crazy and ty patiently let me purchase a ticket when money is stretching very thin and bought a round trip last minute ticket to see my sister in Columbus. Like, a 32 hour visit.
and let me tell you. it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. of course I'm at the airport a little anxious and cramped in the crappiest terminal for Spirit airlines (don't get me started because I don't complain anymore right?!) and feeling the waves of mom guilt. I'm leaving them. I'm being selfish. I won't be there for their performances. and then I sit down in my seat and you know this is like the half sit, half get settled because other people are going to be filing past you into their seat and squished in next to you and there's the awkward small talk and moving and canoodling once your asleep with a stranger and all that that I just wasn't looking forward to.
but then the doors closed. and there was NO ONE in my row but me. I smiled and breathed a nice long sigh of relief and felt that "for sure I am meant to be here". the flight was absolutely full, except for my row. I slept the entire way! and without any meds (I usually will pop dramamine or Tylenol pm on a red eye). it was pure bliss. and what awaited me in beautiful OHIO?
my goodness. we laughed and talked and cried the entire time. it was exactly what I needed. the weather was PERFECT, despite raining for several days before I arrived. even downtown was empty just for us because it was game day for the Buckeyes (they won in case you were wondering). we saw historical buildings , the beautiful changing leaves, a fun toy store, ate glorious food, and just ignored my phone the entire time. it was so wonderful to feel wild and free and happy. without having to see anyone or explain anything or be responsible for anyone but ME and MY happiness.
and Sunday morning after I meditated I said a silent prayer asking for a blue heron that day. I didn't even know how or why we'd even see one (my sister says they have them at the zoo there?) but I wanted/needed a sign from above that I'm doing the right thing right now, that I'm loved, and that I'm listened to. later that afternoon after church we went for a walk and wouldn't you know, exactly when we walked down to the path at the dam a beautiful, glorious, majestic, heaven sent blue heron swooped down landing right there. I'm not even exaggerating, at that very moment we arrived it happened.
of course I started bawling, and people were staring but I could not look at that beautiful creature and NOT feel God's love for me. that I am important, and listened to and what I need truly matters to Him and the Universe. I felt completely loved and accepted, flaws and all. I even hesitate sharing this small miracle here because it was so sacred and special, but I hope someone can read this and know that you are important. and you are listened to, you just have to speak up and ask God for what you want and what you need and be willing to do what it takes. or even just ask for a special sign that only you are looking for that will let you know you are listened to. I PROMISE YOU it will be answered if you have faith.
you are important.
you are needed.
you can ALWAYS be happy.
and sometimes, if you are maybe having a harder time finding happiness, get on a red eye flight to visit someone who is awesome. or drive a few hours and camp somewhere for the weekend. just get out of town. run away. pull a scarlet o'hara and worry about your problems tomorrow. that always helps me.